jazmyyyyyyn:

radicalfeministdragon:

There was a boy I was friends with in my sophomore year

We would skype and he would share his screen with me suddenly

Gore and porn and a sick combination of the two

He had access to the dark web

He showed me one time

Clicking on random sites

Looking for hitmen

“Oh, that’s just child porn”

His best friend had a crush on me

He hated his mom and punched walls

He told me at least five different stories where he saved a girl from rape

He bragged that he had the code to his dads safe where he kept a gun

We kissed a couple of times

At parties, in truth or dare

One of his friends told me later that sometimes on Skype he would turn off his video and masturbate to my face on the screen.

I avoided his calls

Someone started a rumor that I was falsely accusing him of sexual assault

My mom told me never to be alone with him

To be cordial with them both, but never friends

“Be a window” she said “don’t let them see anything in you”

Junior year he poured me a drink at a party across the room

He handed it to me

I could hear my moms voice in the back of my head

I declined

My mother used to tell me that she never had to worry about me. She knew I would speak up if something happened.

But for a year I was friends with the boys every girl should fear. I participated. I laughed at their sick jokes. I made them feel safe.

Today I smiled at them in the hallway.

I joked with one about a quiz we took.

Knowing full well that their computers and heads were full of images of girls who look like me covered in semen and blood.

Because to this day all I can think about is the hole in that boys wall

And the safe in his fathers closet.

this is literally what being friends with boys is like and it’s so sad.